Letter to Snowflake

Debrecen, 2019

Dear Snowflake,

Now that I realize how wonderful and good-to-heart person you are, I feel sad for myself.  

How dearly I yearned for snowflakes all along with my life, and now that you are here, I have realized my blunder. Even though I love snowflakes, maybe more than sunshine, I can’t adore you now because I am badly in need of sunshine! 

I am stuck in cold despair, and only sunshine can save me. 

I hate any gleams of things. I just want things to be serene, natural, and tranquil. Like the way a firefly glints, or the way sometimes sudden rain pours over busy crowds of the city.

You may think I am such a naive and cowardly person who doesn’t know the beauty of busyness, noise, and crowds. To tell you the truth, it’s quite the opposite; the idea of observing a busy crowd, a bustling place always enthralls me—I just don’t want to be a part of that crowd, that very busy place. 

My dear melancholy,

All these years 

I wanted to live

I wanted to give

I’d been a miner for a heart of gold

Now that I have found you—a heart of gold, I realize our, as human beings, selective incapability of not being able to adore what we want even after finally getting it. 

I am sure you'd agree with me that the universe can be bad or good or whatsoever, but it is indeed not overrated. It conceals unparalleled, infinite beauty and mysteries, maybe that’s what makes it incredibly beautiful. 

But don’t we know, too much beauty can be hideous? Don’t we agree that sometimes the incredible beauty of something can just get lost in its detailing of beauty? 

Sweet child’o mine, Sweet love of mine,

You’ve got a smile it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Where everything

Was as fresh as the bright blue sky  

You came at a point in my life when I was insecure with my fears and inability. Yet, you gave me new insights, new perspectives. 

Being bullied throughout the school for my disproportionate and non-attractive physical appearance (still in some ways!), I find it hard to imagine someone loving ME, caring for me for who I am! No wonder, I find it amusing when you or someone shows me the least bit of attention... to quote Joe from the Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless Mind, “Why do I fall in love with every person who shows me the least bit of attention?”

And your attention grew love inside me. For the first time, I found myself worthy of being loved! 

How so I wish you were the place where I could confide myself...

Yet, I can’t confess!

I assume you are not alien to the feeling when words don’t possess any meanings, words are just too heavy to carry their own meaning? Silence, however, does a better job in such cases. 

And I want you to find my words in my silence.

And if I'd stare too long

I'd probably break down and cry

Oh, oh, oh...

How, all along with my life, I was so foolish to think that my life would be changed when I will meet a similar-minded person. I thought, waiting for an angel who would rescue me from falling into the abyss of madness. 

Wasn’t I waiting for someone or something to show me the way? 

I wrote in a gloomy night:

Don't we all crave for a day,

When- without any reason,

All of our sorrows will fade away?

Don't we all wait for a day,

When- without any clouds,

Raindrops will cast everything away?

That day, that person, never came to me, my dear. And, now I know how wrong I was. 

Now I know, no one tells you when to run, and you miss the starting gun.

No matter how dearly you would be willing to help me, there comes an irony! It’s just the way things are. No one, no matter how earnestly they want from the heart, can transfer her(his) wisdom to someone else, it’s a limitation of ours, as a part of humankind. As Buddha utters this way: 

‘Knowledge can be transferred, not wisdom’

Yet, how I want to tell you about all the little things I adore, a beautiful quote, a beautiful title of a book, a beautiful picture, an insignificant beautiful incident... a beautiful regret…

But I am insecure, afraid, I fear that these might distract you from your responsibilities, may redundant your feelings, eventually making you the same lost person as I am now, which I don’t want you to be. 

Someone, who is now dead, taught me one of the biggest lessons in my life last year.

  'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all’

And I am happy, ecstatic, that I loved you. 

Tell me your fears, your insecurities, come to me when you feel alone. I would wait for you on a rainy day, to be a part of the Afremovoid evening, with the promise of the warmest kiss. But…

let us not confess... that we love each other...  

 'তুমি হাজার মানুষের মতো আমাকে দেখবে হাজার মানুষের ভিড়ে

আমিও তোমাকে দেখব অন্য সবাই যেভাবে দেখে

তুমি ভালবাসবে কিন্তু আমাকে তা কখনো জানতে দেবে না

আমিও ভালবাসবো কিন্তু কখনো তা জানতে দেব না

আমাদের প্রেম হবে কৃপণজনের গোপন ধন সঞ্চয়ের মতো,

আমরা ভালবাসবো না ভালো বাসার মতো করে

কেননা অতীতের অভিজ্ঞতা থেকে আমরা দুজনেই তো জানি

জানাজানি হয়ে গেলে পর ভালবাসা খুব দ্রুত নষ্ট হয়ে যায়।'

“অনেকদিন দেখা হবে না তারপর একদিন দেখা হবে। 

দুজনেই দুজনকে বলবো, ‘অনেকদিন দেখা হয়নি’। 

এইভাবে যাবে দিনের পর দিন বৎসরের পর বৎসর। 

তারপর একদিন হয়ত জানা যাবে বা হয়ত জানা যাবে না, 

যে তোমার সঙ্গে আমার অথবা আমার সঙ্গে তোমার আর দেখা হবে না।” 

Yours,  Waffle.

( A Soulmate who wasn't meant to be)